Honesty is an unpleasant experience. Casting aside my self-made man and comparing myself to Jesus' weights and measures leaves me devastated. I'm not as holy as I thought I was, I don't have it all together like I think I do. Truthfully, I am a failure who puts detestable things above God. I cannot be trusted. Honesty is uncomfortable, but critical. The irony in this is that honesty brings freedom.
If God was anything less than perfect, he would have given up on me long ago. I have never been so disappointed in myself. But I have also never been more thankful to God. He wants me. He doesn't just tolerate me. He knows I can't handle myself. Spiritually, I am unlovable, unattractive, and undesirable. I don't say this faced with condemnation, but faced with truth. Here's another truth, God loves the unlovable, is attracted to the unattractive, and desires the undesirable (The Ragamuffin Gospel). I have trouble seeing God really wanting me. I see him more as one who is put out with me. My life tells me I define grace as tolerance, enduring, frustrated but stuck with me. That's why I use guilt and disappointment to lead me to repentance. And that is why I have trouble repenting. I stop at sorrow. I can't fathom the kindness and goodness of God leading me to repentance. I can't imagine a God who gives me a double portion of blessing in place of my sin. Thank God that he is not like me.
Honesty is uncomfortable, but critical. I am slowly realizing all the grace I have been missing.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
HELLO!!!
Well, I started something I thought I'd never do...a blog. I don't have anything worth while to say. But since all my friends have one, I will too.
Everyone had really deep titles on their blogs , so I did the best I could. I was going to put a Greek word up there because Greek just looks spiritual. But I am technologically inept and can't figure out how to do it. So I was stuck with the old NIV.
I'm not much of a "life verse" kind of guy as I change verses depending on my seasons. But the most consistent verse in my life is 1 Corinthians 13:12, "For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." Most people's life verses are goals of spirituality to achieve, mine isn't that good. This is my life verse simply because it is the verse of the Bible that makes the most sense to me. The only two things I know for sure in life are these: (1) I am totally and utterly corrupt; I will never be fully good and whole (2) Jesus knows this and chooses to reveal himself to me anyway. I feel like I am seeing only reflections of God in my Christian journey. Like Moses, I'm shoved between some rocks and looking at the backside of my Savior because it is all I can handle. Everything I know and have experienced of God is only part, it is incomplete. Every now and then, the light comes on and everything makes such glorious sense. Everything from servanthood to evangelism sounds so good and being "made perfect" like Christ seems obtainable. But as quickly as it comes, it fades. No matter how much I want to rise up spiritually, my flesh is right there to weigh me back down. I have found I am a clarity junkie, I love those times when everything becomes clear. I am teased with seeing God face to face. I shouldn't say teased, I think foretaste might be a better term. But the moments pass and I am left with just reflections. So back to the verse, it is my favorite because I recognize with Paul that everything I know is in part, but soon I will see fully, even as I am fully known.
Hopefully these reflections will lead to more face to face moments.
Everyone had really deep titles on their blogs , so I did the best I could. I was going to put a Greek word up there because Greek just looks spiritual. But I am technologically inept and can't figure out how to do it. So I was stuck with the old NIV.
I'm not much of a "life verse" kind of guy as I change verses depending on my seasons. But the most consistent verse in my life is 1 Corinthians 13:12, "For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." Most people's life verses are goals of spirituality to achieve, mine isn't that good. This is my life verse simply because it is the verse of the Bible that makes the most sense to me. The only two things I know for sure in life are these: (1) I am totally and utterly corrupt; I will never be fully good and whole (2) Jesus knows this and chooses to reveal himself to me anyway. I feel like I am seeing only reflections of God in my Christian journey. Like Moses, I'm shoved between some rocks and looking at the backside of my Savior because it is all I can handle. Everything I know and have experienced of God is only part, it is incomplete. Every now and then, the light comes on and everything makes such glorious sense. Everything from servanthood to evangelism sounds so good and being "made perfect" like Christ seems obtainable. But as quickly as it comes, it fades. No matter how much I want to rise up spiritually, my flesh is right there to weigh me back down. I have found I am a clarity junkie, I love those times when everything becomes clear. I am teased with seeing God face to face. I shouldn't say teased, I think foretaste might be a better term. But the moments pass and I am left with just reflections. So back to the verse, it is my favorite because I recognize with Paul that everything I know is in part, but soon I will see fully, even as I am fully known.
Hopefully these reflections will lead to more face to face moments.
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