Honesty

Honesty is an unpleasant experience. Casting aside my self-made man and comparing myself to Jesus' weights and measures leaves me devastated. I'm not as holy as I thought I was, I don't have it all together like I think I do. Truthfully, I am a failure who puts detestable things above God. I cannot be trusted. Honesty is uncomfortable, but critical. The irony in this is that honesty brings freedom.
If God was anything less than perfect, he would have given up on me long ago. I have never been so disappointed in myself. But I have also never been more thankful to God. He wants me. He doesn't just tolerate me. He knows I can't handle myself. Spiritually, I am unlovable, unattractive, and undesirable. I don't say this faced with condemnation, but faced with truth. Here's another truth, God loves the unlovable, is attracted to the unattractive, and desires the undesirable (The Ragamuffin Gospel). I have trouble seeing God really wanting me. I see him more as one who is put out with me. My life tells me I define grace as tolerance, enduring, frustrated but stuck with me. That's why I use guilt and disappointment to lead me to repentance. And that is why I have trouble repenting. I stop at sorrow. I can't fathom the kindness and goodness of God leading me to repentance. I can't imagine a God who gives me a double portion of blessing in place of my sin. Thank God that he is not like me.
Honesty is uncomfortable, but critical. I am slowly realizing all the grace I have been missing.